Werewolf “News” Anchors Coming to Individual 1 “News” Network

The Howling | 1981| Starring Dee Wallace as TV journalist Karen White.

The 1981 film, The Howling, taught us that, ‘a secret society exists and lives among us,’ fast forward to 2020, and the ‘secret society’ is one of werewolf conspiracy theorists, moonlighting as “news” anchors. It’s been one helluva week as we crash into this Friday the 13th, carried to shore by the triumphant winds of a Biden Harris election victory. As Frankie Beverly & Maze beautifully described, in their 1980 song, Joy and Pain, we are experiencing “sunshine and rain,” it is bitter and sweet. Simultaneously we are inspired by the Biden Harris historic win, and infuriated by the death toll of COVID-19. Full of joy that America averted becoming an autocracy, while being jolted by a daily explosion of coronavirus cases across the nation. Individual 1 does not believe in the US Constitution, a vegan diet, a mask mandate, a peaceful transition of power, or that COVID-19 is serious, but he does believe in werewolves, and he’s bringing werewolves to network “news.” To paraphrase Frankie Beverly & Maze, ‘there will be sorrow, but we will endure.’

Individual 1 has employed werewolf “news” anchors to work at his newly created “news” network to spread conspiracy theories 24/7. Individual 1 is looking to take down his nemesis, Fox News, with a network of werewolf “news” anchors hitting the airwaves to make America believe that demon seeds planted around the Washington Monument will grow into real demons during a full moon, that taco trucks are run by a ring of liberals from New Zealand sent to force feed socialism to famished Americans, and that the word vegan is a secret acronym for Vanquish.Evangelicals.Greed.And.Nepotism. No word yet on what the “news” network will be named, however PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has called for a boycott of the network, as the group is protesting the treatment of the werewolves, calling it cruel and inhuman. PETA did not comment on the treatment of the “news” anchors prior to their respective transition into werewolves.

Individual 1 is planning to marry select werewolves to his cast of on-air talent, launching a new reality series that will follow their daily lives. However, proponents of religious freedom argue that marriage is between a man and a woman. Religious freedom groups and Individual 1 reached a deal which will allow werewolf marriage, so long as the werewolf “news” anchors “feed” only on people in “blue” states, Black Lives Matter Plaza, CNN Headquarters, the border wall, and anywhere “science” is taught. Individual 1 is confident his werewolf “news” anchors will bring great ratings, making more people tune-in to him as he vies for permanent relevance. “News” anchors transitioning live on-air, into werewolves is the only transition Individual 1 is interested in supporting.

tran·si·tion/ tranˈziSH(ə)n/ noun: the process or period of changing from one state or condition to another; verb: undergo a process or period of transition.

*No werewolves, vegans, Evangelicals, or “news” anchors were harmed in the creation of this piece, however, democracy is being harmed by Individual 1 refusing to support the peaceful transition of power.

Leave a Reply